i feel u...

i feel uneeded and unimportant...like i'm just drifiting through life, enough to have a small impact on people, but when i am gone.. nothing will change.. and no one will really be affected or care after a few months.i feel "needed" by soulstice, as in the event not the people.. but even that will be fine without me. i dont know.. obviously i dont want things to fall apart when i leave.. nor would i expect them to.i'm happy.. but theres no real substance to my life right now.. i just feel like i'm waiting to leave.. and everyone else is too.i think maybe i am preparing for the transition and its making me feel this way, but its also because i havent had.. or even been, a best freind to anyone for a while. i have tons of friends, but its all kinda fight club...single serving.its single serving fun, with freinds.. and everyday it changes.. i need something more constant.. and in the last 2 weeks here i obviously wont get that. so i guess i'm hoping i get it at college.i think thats part of why i have been wierd lately too.. i know i'm leaving soon, and the things i say and do in the last few weeks i am here wont really affect me because i'll leave it all behind. and the people i getting to know better/ am hanging out with alot.. i know will never develop a good friendship with, because once i leave i will be essentially out of their lives, and for the most part they out of mine.it still kinda sucks though.. i dont mean to say or do things to hurt anyone.. but i guess i just havent really thought about other people a whole lot lately.. i've been very focused on myself.. and i dont really like that my nature has become that way. i'm working on it.. and i hope people that i have hurt in anyway lately are understanding, but then again... all for what... i guess my, and possibly their, peace of mind.. who knows.. that in itself is selfish, but at least it has good intentions. i wish i could look back on this summer and say wow, i made a difference before i left for college.. or i really helped a friend this summer, or something that would be fufilling.. but theres nothing really there.. so i guess i'm looking to the future hoping to find fufillment there, but i suppose i should just focus on the present and try to figure out how best to get fufillment and lasting enjoyment now.i'm starting to get a headache now from thinking about all of this, but there its lots more to go.i can type and type about how i want to change and that i want to do something great or extraordinary to be fufilled. but i can never really seem to actually follow through. and this time i really want to. i want my last 2 weeks here to be something special, something i can look back on and enjoy. instead of looking back and wishing i had used the 2 weeks differently. so partially i want to do som amazing and fun things, and secondly i want to change my life and attitude for the better.i guess thats alot to do in 2 weeks, but i want to start at least.